Feeling Lost

I’m feeling pretty lost at the moment with regards to recovery. I feel like I’ve entered a dead end with no escape. I’m half recovered but not fully at the recovery mark I was hoping for. I’m definitely regulating my emotions more and learning what overwhelms me and what triggers me. Turns out a lot of things trigger me that are kind of easy to get away from. Social media has been a big trigger for me so I took a brief break or a break altogether from certain social media. I’ve deleted Facebook and Messenger. I’ve stopped looking at my recovery Instagram. I’ve made a private Instagram for only positivity and I stopped using Twitter as much. However, since coming back to social media I’ve noticed I’ve really lost the community vibe. I almost feel like I don’t exist or that I’m an alien. Maybe it’s just BPD messing with me and I need to check the facts ( A DBT Skill)!

I’m currently doing DBT and it’s helping me loads it’s one of the reasons I took a break from social media in the first place because I was really working on me and I finally felt like my problems were being solved slowly. I’m still stuck in this rut though where I’m not fully recovered but also not exactly in a relapse/crisis. I actually managed a full moon for once without hitting a crisis!! I always had a relapse the same time as it was a full moon, however I’ve recently learnt so much about myself that I’m no longer in constant crisis. I’m not longer relapsing every couple of weeks. In fact it’s been 100 days since I last self harmed. It’s been 73 days since a suicide attempt. I’m not perfect. I’m still having difficult days. I still have a lot to work on. I have skills from DBT now though which are helping me loads. I’m thinking of doing a blog post or even a Youtube video on the skills I’ve learnt to share with others/you guys!

I can’t believe it’s 2 years and 2 months since I started this blog. It’s really helped me. It went from being my daily journal to blogging updates every couple of months to not much. However it’s not stopped me from sharing as I was doing Youtube for a while. I’m hoping to get back into blogging now and actually do regular updates on recovery and how I’m doing. I might even get back into an occasional Youtube video.

Anyway this was just an update on how I’m feeling about social media and feeling stuck in recovery. I’m sure eventually I will move away from this stuck period and become unstuck. I’m ready to thrive and not just survive.

Hannah x